I’m sure you’ve been asked, or have asked of others, the question “If you had a Superpower, what would it be?” It’s a fairly standard question with thousands of answers. Shows such as Heroes (we won’t mention the second series though, ahem) and films like X-Men all promote the stereotypical Superpowers, such as flight, super strength, invisibility, blah-de-blah.
If, for some fantastical reason, a person did inherit some extreme powers, why would they have to fit to a recognised norm? With this in mind, myself and the childlike Master Davies from work have put the limited, miserable, almost non-existent powers of our minds together to think of some alternative Superpowers, ones that would fit into everyday life far less intrusively than a chap flying through the air at Mach3 or a huge muscly green thing lifting up a bus. So behold… the Superhero stars of the future!
The Consternator
Ever since birth, when his parents were deeply worried that they’d given their child the wrong name, The Consternator has had the amazing ability to give anyone a sudden feeling of consternation. One moment they are fine, the next they could be slightly concerned that they’ve left the gas on, or that they’ve missed someone’s birthday. They could even think that they forgot to put a car parking ticket on their car. A dangerous power indeed.
ClearSight
With a click of his fingers, troublesome contact lenses are transported painlessly and effortlessly into the eyes of the poor-sighted by ClearSight. No more hassle with holding your eyelid back to pop the lenses in, no more dropping lenses onto the floor, no more tears from prodding yourself in the eye, ClearSight simply exerts his power and gives the gift of vision. Plus ClearSight can remove contact lenses from eyeballs too, using his almighty power. If the lenses are disposable ClearSight will also deal with the recycling of the small plastic packets they come in.
Hairo
Hairo is a door-to-door cosmetics saleswoman who, after prolonged exposure to hair products, has the power to control the hair growth of other individuals. One minute there could be a bald man, the next a full head of hair. Eyebrow hair, nostril hair, ‘down-there’ hair, no hair is safe. Plus hair can be retracted, to make the most hairy man, yes, even Brian Blessed, become as smooth as silk. Villains should beware Hairo - She’s had time to condition-her power…
The Incredible Park
From any speed, in any vehicle, on any road surface, in any weather, The Incredible Park can take a car, lorry or other vehicle and park it perfectly into a regular parking space in the blink of an eye. No broken wing mirrors, no paint scrapes down the side of the car, no insurance claims, just a perfectly parked motor. Not only that, but he can reverse park it too if required, in times of shopping, or if a pram needs to go into the boot.
OrnamentMan
Ornaments. Bric-a-brac. Shelf fillers. All these things, and lots more of crappy household items, are within the control of OrnamentMan. Using his power OrnamentMan can move, control, levitate, twist, flip and indeed twizzle ornaments and other regular household items as he pleases, plus he’ll dust underneath them and put them right back where he found them.
Dr Socks
After enduring a horrific accident in a Manhattan laundrette, Dr Socks has developed the power to ensure that no sock remains lonesome. If one sock from a pair is lost, Dr Socks uses his power to locate the missing sock and return it to it’s soulmate, re-establishing the bond between socks that only socks and Dr Socks know.
On-Schedule
Always on time, On-Schedule simply knows the arrival and departure time of every single mode of public transport in the world. No bus, train, ferry, plane, coach or hovercraft are out of his timetabling reach. Need to know when the 42 departs from Manchester to Wigan? Or when the pedalo is due to arrive back on shore at Lake Superior? On-Schedule will help you, plus he’ll be able to provide you with information that could get you money off your trip and maybe future journeys as well.
See? Spidey is papping his nylon spider-embroidered pants as he reads this and I hear that Superman has buggered off back to the Krypton Factor with Ben Shephard. In this age of political correctness these appropriate, correct, accessible Superheroes will reach out to the public in a way that Wolverine (too scary), Captain America (too camp) or Daredevil (too crap) shall never be able to. So grasp your new Superheroes, good ordinary folk, embrace them and they shall come to you in times of normal everyday occurrences!
I bet Stan Lee is quaking in his boots. He’s probably a bit cold or something.