This week, I discovered something very important about myself, something so important that I thought I’d share it with you all.
I don’t like aubergines much.
Take that news with you and feel empowered, feel stronger, and feel less inclined to offer me aubergines, food made with aubergines or any other aubergine-based product.
I do like courgettes though.
Oh Ferrari. Ferrari Ferrari Ferrari. I mean the Ferrari F1 team of course, not an actual Ferrari road car.
Look here you Italian gimps. In the recent German Grand Prix, you cheated a bit. No, you cheated a lot. You gave some orders that made one of your drivers surrender the lead to the driver in second place. Over poor Massa moved and through stormed the ‘triumphant’ Fernando “Looks like the Dolmio man but acts like a spoilt little child having a tantrum because he’s a big moron” Alonso to take first place and, eventually, the win.
What may surprise you, and what also surprises me, is that I do think that some sort of team orders should be allowed. If it gives one of the drivers of the team a more significant chance of winning the world title then it makes perfect sense. A team would look pretty stupid if their driver lost the drivers championship by a few points that he could have had from having his team mate move over.
However, any F1 fan will know that team orders, and their execution of them, are banned. Banned, denied, should not happen, against the rules, no way José, off you trot and flip flap flop. But at the 2010 German Grand Prix, the Ferrari team carried out some very blatant, obvious and undeniable team orders.
It’s a well known fact that LEGO is one of the best things ever invented in the whole sphere of existence across every single plane of reality. Get LEGO bricks and build a car, a plane, a hotel, a killer robot, a fish, whatever you like. Incredible.
Then LEGO made the bold leap into the world of computing, and it made this bold leap well. LEGO Star Wars, LEGO Indiana Jones and now LEGO Harry Potter have all been megasaurus maximus prime.
But what madness could be next? An online LEGO MMO (Massively Multiplayer Online) game, that’s what! Observe this trailer and sob at just how good this game could be.
Unless you’re missing a vital piece of your brain, you’ll be all excited at the prospect of a LEGO multiplayer game now, where it seems that a brave LEGO Knight can battle alongside a sturdy LEGO mechanic to defeat some curious purple LEGO baddies.
Well Eurogamer report that it’s due for release in October, which means it’s another game to add to my seemingly insurmountable list of ‘Games being released around the end of 2010 and the start of 2011 that I want to play lots’. I, for one, shall be looking forward to the build up…
The build up? BUILD up? Build? LEGO? See what I… did… there?
We interrupt your regular programming to bring you this breaking news story, live from the Randomlinkage newsroom.
Mega Super Ultra Corporation Apple, famed for making the iPod, the iPhone and the iPad, all of which are manufactured from inexplicably extortionate iWhitePlastic, have just announced that they have successfully trademarked and copyrighted and patented any and all and every reference to Apple that exists, has existed or will ever exist in the future.
Such references include the name of the technology company itself, the word Apple in any context whatsoever, be it written or spoken or otherwise inferred, and the Apple fruit in all it’s various guises and varieties.
Ruddy faced farmers the world over are up in arms that the Apple Corporation have removed a symbol of their livelihood and many have taken to the roads atop their tractors in fury and outrage. “Roighter, ooh arr,” Said Jed Throllops, a massively stereotypical farmer from the West Country in the UK, “Oi’m not ‘appy that they’ve gorn and taken the name Apple aarway from us, no there, ooh arr. I were so aaangry a’ the decision tha’ oi ate twen’y apples in protest! ’scuse me, oi need the lav.”
Producing an immediate response, the World United Global International Apple Federation have released the following statement: “To preserve our way of live ooh Granny Smith will you do the fandango, and to ensure that no lawsuits are applied to members of the Apple growing community Braeburn baby Braeburn disco inferno, it has become necessary to decree that all Apples of all varieties must now be renamed to Epples. This ruling also applies to any Epple based food products, such as Apple Pie and Apple Crumble, which must now be renamed Epple Pie and Epple Crumble respectively. This will cause thousands of Epple farmers to lose their jobs Go Golden Delicious speeding up the quarter mile, but on the positive side the folk of South Africa will notice little difference.”
It is not only are the straw-chewing yokels of the countryside who are incensed by the decision; A group of activists representing a group called “We Like Old Sayings That Nobody Uses Any More” are rallying outside Apple HQ in California, protesting against the decision.
“This is terrible news for Old Sayings That Nobody Uses Any More,” Said Kevin Dungeon, a crazy bearded protestor with a look of bloodthirsty murder in his eyes, “No longer will we hear the saying ‘The Apple of Your Eye’ and variants thereof! It’s a tragedy, it really is, I’m not going to let Apple win this one, no way, not this time.” Mr Dungeon screeched, before adding “WHERE ARE MY PILLS?” and spinning around in an anti-clockwise circle.
Fans of classic literature have been weeping as hundreds of Apple iEmployees take to the dusty tomes of the British Library in order to copyright any reference to Apple or Apples, as their legal victory entitles them to the ownership of any reference to the word Apple in any historical form whatsoever, including the written word. Watching as an iGoon stamped a copyright symbol and twelve lines of legalese jargon across the only remaining original copy of his play The Merchant of Venice, the ghost of William Shakespeare said “Woe am I unto myself, for my words are poison’d, but I shalt steal revenge with the haunting of Steve Jobs and shalt ne’er tire of making useth of my spirit powers to thus fling iPhones right into his nads.”
A spokesperson for the International Apple Cider Collective was expected to make a statement, but was instead found in a cider-induced stupor on a West-Country pub floor, cuddling his “very very bestest friend in the whoooole world”, who happened to be a barstool with a patterned red felt covering. Nobody from the Apple Bottom Jeans Association was available for comment as they were too busy trying on boots with the fur.
Speaking from in front of an enormous iPad the size of a three-storey building in the newly purchased Apple County in Minnesota, Apple’s Chief Executive of Executive Chiefs stood before the world’s gathered media and looked smug for a short while, before leaving the following statement: “Ha. We win! Next step, THE WORLD! Aaahahahahaha!” The iPhone then emitted a loud clap of thunder and several flashes of lightning via it’s “Mwuahahahaha!” application, before tumbling forward and crushing the Chief Executive of Executive Chiefs, killing him instantly with a terrible bone crunching sound, available via the “BoneSaw!” app. Sources at the scene report that nobody gave a toss and that several people chortled.
This concludes the update for the time being, but we will bring you more news and developments on this ground-breaking story as they occur. Thank you for paying attention and not being distracted by YouTube or a Facebook game where you grow wheat. We will now return you to your regular programming.
We’re going to have a bit of a ‘first’ here on Randomlinkage today. Though it pains me to do it, I am going to put the power of choice into the hands of you, our delightfully tasteful and excellent readers.
I have lovingly crafted two posts regarding some Mysterious Messages (yes, they deserve capitalisation, such is their Mysteriousness), and you get to choose which one you read. You’ve got a choice of two:
Most Mysterious Messages – The Waffly Version. A nice load of waffly words with a plentiful helping of further wordage that I thought you might like, garnished with twiddle and indeed twaddle.
Most Mysterious Messages – The Quick Version. A quick version of the story regarding the Mysterious Messages for the Lady or Gentleman on the move, or for those of you who know just how much crap I’ll write about some messages.
It’s now up to you to make a choice. Enjoy whichever path you choose to go down!
Earlier in the year, someone kept leaving Mysterious Messages on yellow Post-Its on my desk at work. Here’s the first one…
Read the rest of ‘Most Mysterious Messages – The Quick Version’
My workplace is, I’ll be honest, pretty ordinary. I’m not about to tell you exactly what I do for a living because that would be daft but believe me when I say that I am not a fighter pilot, a motor racing driver or a brothel madam. I do something relatively calm and pleasant, surrounded by the reassuring hum of an office environment.
However, earlier on in the year, my days at work were given a splash of excitement and a dash of thrills as something out of the ordinary happened. Unexpectedly and without warning, I became the recipient of a message. A mysterious message. A most mysterious message indeed.
I forget the exact circumstances but I must have been away from my desk at some point and upon my return, the message was resting on my keyboard. See the scan below…
Read the rest of ‘Most Mysterious Messages – The Waffly Version’
The other day, I was going about my normal daily duties when my phone buzzed around a bit. I checked it and was informed that I had received one of them there ‘text messages’. I unlocked my phone and saw that this message of the textual format was from my lovely wife, The Feisty Kim.
“Well how lovely!” I thought to myself, and “What a pleasant surprise!” also. With haste I proceeded to press all the buttons required to read the message. What could it possibly say? No doubt it would be some romantic message, a declaration of her undying love for me, or maybe a little note to say that she’s glad to be my wife because I am just so brilliant and amazing.
I read the message. My presumptions were incorrect. The four words of the message were…
I’m having a poo
Well how nice. My dreamy thoughts of niceness were blown away by a big smelly breeze and I was left with a fairly ‘to-the-point’ text. A poo indeed.
Once I’d digested the content of the message (it’s meaning, I did not eat any poo) I was then at a loss as to what to do next. Should I reply? And if I should, how should I reply? “Great! Hope it’s not a stinker!” “Push! Puuussshhhh!” I wasn’t really sure on the etiquette of replying to messages regarding fecal matters.
In the end I responded with a fairly generic “Oh right, have a good one!”, as it seemed quite neutral and un-poo related.
Just thought you’d be interested.
Bye now.
The below clip has been rated as having an awesomeness level of twelve-billion to the power of twenty-six billion squared. Plus seven. Plus jelly. Green jelly, obviously.
Why this series isn’t out on DVD I don’t know, but it should be. Come on BBC, sort it out. If you don’t know what it is, it’s Fist of Fun starring Stewart Lee and Richard Herring from the mid 1990’s and it was brilliant.
And gawd bless you Rod Hull, gawd bless you.
T-shirts with cunning slogans or amusing pictures on them are a common sight these days but whoever invented this t-shirt design here is obviously catering for the niche “I want to die but don’t want to commit suicide so I’ll let some other people do it for me” market.
A shame really, because the little fella looks so jolly and full of life too.
Credit goes to the sinister, murderous and all round sadistic Evil Lord Bray for spotting this.
Hello folks. I have returned from the sunny land of Spain, also known as Espana to those crazy locals who live there, and am now back safe and sound within the walls of Randomlinkage Towers.
However, the jolity and general enjoyment of my foreign jaunt has been soured somewhat upon my return. A few days ago I was in Spain, basking alongside a cool pool, drinking a refreshing beer and generally enjoying feelings of relaxation and contentment.
How long ago it seems, for all those good memories have been blown out of the window by a request from my dentist to pop in to his surgery of misery and pain for a filling. A filling. Honestly. Joy upon joy, what untold thrills and glorious highs await in the dentist’s evil chair of drilling doom? Why do I even need this filling? To make sure that my tooth, which DOESN’T HURT right now, can be mangled and disfigured for the purposes of dentistry? Great.
So thanks Mr Dentist for crushing my relaxed nature and giving me something to worry about until the dreadful day arrives. What a bastard.
Mr Dentist, the Randomlinkage Death Badgers have been dispatched… sleep lightly my friend, sleep lightly…
Hola everyone! Hola, café con leche and Barcelona, I am in Spain.
But really, I really am in Spain. Not just as part of my gabbled ramblings about searching for Mr Trench, which of course I am, but I really am on my summer holiday in Spain. This has been pre-written and hopefully, unless our mysteriously absent enemy The Icelandic Ash Cloud rears it’s dusty head, by the time this appears on Randomlinkage I shall be in a Spanish villa, in the sunshine, sitting around the pool with a cool beer in my hand.
And also searching very, very hard for your style and romantic icon Mr Trench. Obviously. The beer aids concentration.
In both my absence and Mr Trench’s absence, I hope you manage to survive. Perhaps you’ll find the urge to go outside or speak to your loved ones, rather than spending your days sat before a computer screen, refreshing Randomlinkage every five seconds in anticipation of the latest brilliant crafted post.
I will return from the Costa Del Beer and Food on or around the 29th of July, but until then it’s going to be pretty quiet around here, bar the screams and wails of those disobedient slaves locked in the flame pit.
If you do find yourself missing us, try one of the following to soothe the pain:
If you follow one of the above principles then I will be back before you know it. Please take care readers, of yourselves and each other. Drive safe, play safe, BE safe.
Hi folks, or should I say Bonjour? Oui, one should, pomme de terre. That’s right, I am in the delightfully putrid country of France in search of everyone’s favourite smelly person, our very own Mr Trench.
I have endured much for the sake of locating our Lord and Master; I have spent time with French people who have been abusive and unpleasant, I have eaten food flavoured entirely with garlic and snails and I have pretended to be amazed by the lump of scrap metal that is The Eiffel Tower. But all this has been for nothing, because The Bearded Wonder is still missing.
I have acquired a lead which may direct me to Mr Trench though. It appears that he skipped through France like some Victorian dandy, spending money here and there with gay abandon. Unfortunately much of this ’spending’ was in the form of credit notes and IOUs, which he has failed to pay back. I, being a kindly soul, met with a great number of these poor individuals who Mr Trench scammed and reimbursed them fully.
One kindly brothel Madam merely slapped me about the face for Mr Trench’s cash transgressions and the male gigolo who Mr Trench spent many nights with pretending to be a big tough sailor only tried to attack me with a baguette, so I think I came out of the situation quite well, though short of coin.
My lead came when a dubiously fragrant old lady approached me and informed me that Mr Trench had lodged at her place. It was a blessing to hear that she had charged nothing for his stay in terms of monetary value, only an hour of rumpy-pumpy whilst dressed as various members of The Village People and a few games of Gin Rummy, which meant that she did not feel the urge to attack me with sharpened frog legs and demand I pay her for his lodgings.
This mad old French bag was able to enlighten me that Mr Trench had been asking lots of questions about Spain, Spanish people, Spanish customs and Spanish alcoholic beverages. In fact, she claimed that much of his questioning was regarding the beverages. When I asked her what she told Mr Trench, she said that because Spain wasn’t French she, as a French person, hated it and wanted to burn it to the ground, drown it under the oceans and blast it into the very core of the sun. She then realised I was English and kicked me hard in the Gentlemen’s region before hobbling away humming “In The Navy”.
So it is with great joy that I am able to leave the cesspit of filth and stench that is France and travel to their less tossy neighbours Spain, where my search for Mr Trench can continue. I must remember that once I enter Spain I shall have to drop the attitude and my aloof behaviour, lest they think I come from Belle France. Instead I shall speak loudly at our Mediterranean friends whilst asking such questions as “Can I have a beer please? BEER? ONE BEER?” and “TOILET? WHERE IS THE TOILET? ENGLISH?”
Before I command the slaves, whose compliment has been topped up by some Frenchies after the loss of some of my trusty British lackies due to malnourishment and drowning, to carry me across Europe atop a chariot made of their fragile human bodies, I wish to issue a plea:
Mr Trench, please, please get in touch. We want to know that you are safe, we want to know what you’ve been doing and, more importantly, we want to know where the remote control is for the big 106″ plasma telly in the Eastern Wing study. It’s currently tuned in to 4 Music and the inane drone of Lady Googoo and Dozey Rascals is driving some of the staff into pop and rap careers. I know you wouldn’t want that.
Google Street View generally evokes three types of emotions in people:
Whatever your views, you’ve got to admit that it’s a pretty extraordinary undertaking by those insane people at Google. They got a car and drove hundreds of thousands of miles around numerous countries across the globe. Why? Because they wanted to. Because those people at Google are mentaloids.
So with all these images of streets and roads and houses, there’s bound to be some amusing or interesting or controversial or even slightly risqué moments captured, right?
Of course there is, and some of them are captured here at Google Street View Sightings, your premier source of things seen on street view. Fascinating highlights include two men staring at the pavement, Steve Job’s Mercedes, a girl in a thong and a melting VW Golf.
Observe and see what takes your fancy. There’s something for everyone. Yes, there’s even a ‘Girls’ section. Should keep some of you pervs happy. Urgh.
We live in a lovely Democratic society, with some sort of curious hybrid Government that nobody really understands but has accepted as ‘the way it is’, and as such we have the power of free speech. We have the power to say what we like and say what we don’t like, and some annoying folk who really want to make their points heard go all the way and create… a petition.
The problem with petitions is that they take a lot of time and effort to gather the signatures to support the petition itself, so our beloved Government have shown how technology-savvy they are by giving people the chance to create a petition online, on one of those internets that appear to be so popular these days. Personally I prefer the World Wide Web.
Online petitions? Sounds great, right? All on the web, direct people to it, electronically sign it, brilliant. Well… no. Sorry, but offering the ability for people to create an instant petition is asking for trouble. There are two reasons for this; firstly, some people will intentionally misuse it to create silly petitions, and secondly, other more idiotic folk will create genuine petitions that are unintentionally utterly stupid and ill-conceived.
So let’s take a look shall we? On the E-Petitions site, which is part of the Prime Minister’s Number 10 website, there is a list of rejected petitions.
After a mere glance of this list, I’m sure you can see the comic potential. There are a few cracking rejected petitions on there, so let’s have a little look at some of my favourites.
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Both trench and penge have been classified "Three Laws Safe".