I had such plans for the second part of this year; learn a new language, single-handedly construct a vital A-road, eat four whole packets of Jaffa Cakes in under 10 minutes, kill a chav. But no, oh no, all my plans have gone out of the big plan window and have shattered into tiny broken plan pieces upon the unforgiving earth.

For I have just read that Civilization V is on it’s way.

Bother. I know that I’ll buy it and then for about 6 months I’ll play it, obsessively, trying out every tiny aspect, afraid I might miss something incredible. For those of you who are unaware, the Civ series is about building a civilisation (the ‘z’ in the game’s name is intentional) from the ground up, controlling everything from tax rates to war policy. Sounds dull, right? I agree, it doesn’t sound very exciting, but it’s so playable and so addictive and so clever and is generally all round brilliant.

Want to have a landlocked England served by a Communist government? Go ahead! Fancy killing a few hundred-thousand slaves to get your Viking spaceship launched into space? Be my guest! Fancy invading Germany with Poland? Off you go! It’s an open, clever, thoughtful game, but with cannons and guns and the possibility of building The Pyramids in Bradford. I fail to see what more you could need from a gaming experience.

The almighty Eurogamer reviews the game here. An interview with key game development folk at Firaxis is here. And the trailer is here.

I’m going to cancel my membership to the skydiving school, return all the books I purchased telling me how to perform open heart surgery and also try to formulate a decent medical excuse to suddenly have 3 months off work. Suggestions on a postcard to me, please. Thanks.

Exciting news readers; I have received news of a fantastic offer, an offer which I would be a fool to turn down. It arrived in my inbox this very morning and I’ve already ordered the servants to dispatch vast quantities of gold bars over to the company in question. What exactly am I buying? Hold on to your hats everyone, here’s how the e-mail begins…

Sale!!! Today our website makes a sale on all software we have.

Not just a Sale! Not even a Sale!! It’s a Sale!!! With three !’s. It’s got to be good. It continues…

We also would like to offer you on this today our newest and most best program that arrived shortly – Microsoft Office 2007 for Mac. You will be able to make work with tables, create and edit document, make charts and much more other features that will be only available for you as soon as you can get this computer program for your computer.

Already I’m sold. I’m sure some of you feel the same way. The newest and best program that arrived shortly is Microsoft Office 2007 for Mac! Of course it is! The newest program, from 2007, 3 years ago, is finally here! Our prayers have been answered. Once my newest and best program arrives I will have endless fun making work with tables and charts, plus the chance to create and also EDIT document is something that, I’ll be honest, blows my tiny fragile human mind right out of it’s fragile skull. Say, I wonder how much this earth-shatteringly brilliant software is?

You can buy it on the our website for only 60 dollars of the USA (American). We sell only software licensed and tested software and satisfy needs of our clients of who there are many large bluehip companys.

It’s a good job I was sitting down because if I’d have been standing up when I read the price I’d have fallen over anyway; all this for 60 dollars of the USA (American)? This is remarkable! It’s good to know that the software has been licenced and tested too, but I shouldn’t have expected anything else from such a reputable brand; they have many large bluehip companys and who can argue with an organisation who deals with the bluehips? It continues…

Except Microsoft Office 2007 for Mac, you can find much more other programs on our the website for your Mac computer. Either you are might be one of designer, a programmer or just a usual normal worker – you will find any nice software that will satisfy your hole needs. Visit it often and you will have the ability to buy any program cheaper than it usually is.

They’ve targeted me well, has this as yet unnammed but obviously exceptional software selling outfit; not only am I one of designer and also a programmer, but I could also be considered a ‘usual normal’ worker! It’s like this e-mail has been personally written for me. It’s also very comforting to know that the needs of my hole are taken into consideration with their range of software titles, I’ll certainly sleep easier with that in mind. Astonishingly, there’s more…

We upload new programs each day and if we don’t have any program you need, than it probably doesn’t exist in the world.

Now there’s the statement that had me reaching for my credit card. They have every single program in existence and if I need something they don’t have, it probably doesn’t exist IN THE WORLD. It’s not that this elusive software might not have been fully developed or tested, oh no no no, it has no potential for existing in the rich history of human computing endeavour. The entire sphere of human software development is housed by this one outfit, which is truly remarkable.The e-mail concludes with…

Billions of our customers already convinced in the necesstitys of our service, and now its is your turn!

Yeah, you read that right, Billions of customers. This company is clearly a massive global force, and who wouldn’t be when you sell new software from 2007 that allows you to make work with tables? I am very much convinced in the necesstitys of their service and I am so delighted and glad to announce that now its is my turn! Yes! My life has been leading up to this moment, a golden shining peak amidst a trough of beige indifference.

I’ve ordered my software for 60 dollars of the USA (American) and, to be honest, you’d be stupid not to join me. I cannot see any other way for your hard-earned cash to be better spent than on this most worthwhile and genuine venture. You’d be a fool to miss out; myself and the other Billions of customers know this to be true.

For those of you who are sneering at me, mocking, doubting, make the most of it now for when my software arrives it will be myself who will have the last laugh. When the software is delivered I’ll work on some tables and charts and show you what you’ve been missing out on. Then you’ll be sorry.

Woe is me, the world has gone mad and now neighbours and fellow human beings can’t even be nice to each other. Yesterday I offered kindness and it was thrown back in my face.

Whilst walking home, a car went past me with an obviously flat left rear tyre; it was making a horrible grinding noise and the tyre was running along the rim. The driver pulled into a driveway on my route home and proceeded to get out of the car and head toward his front door, oblivious to his car problem.

As I passed, I very politely pointed out to him that it looked like his vehicle had a very flat left rear tyre, possibly a puncture. The balding gentleman stared at me for a few moments and then bellowed…

Unless you’re a flipping* mechanic I’m not going to listen to your flipping* advice!

Nice. Real nice. I offer some nice, polite, potentially life-saving advice and you resort to shouting and swearing. To be honest, you did look a bit stupid so you probably don’t know any better, you idiotic balding tosspot.

I hope that at some point in the future your arrogance and impatience with your fellow Earthling costs you dear. I can only cross my fingers and wish that your tyre fails and that you have a very expensive, but non-lethal crash; perhaps you’ll drive into a bollard, maybe your tyre will fail at speed and you’ll be veer rapidly into a tree. Whatever it is, I wish no harm upon your physical person but I do wish that you end up financially out of pocket, with your car mangled into tiny bits and your insurance in tatters. You deserve it.

You cretinous half-witted moronic waste of a person.

* real nasty horrible swear word was replaced with something more suitable for a family audience

I’ve been wondering about something for a while now. No, I’m not wondering where babies come from, I am fully aware that the Stork brings them. I am wondering about the use and relevance of a certain type of road sign, and the more I wonder about it the more I get annoyed with it. This is the road sign which causes me such grief…

It’s a plane. An aeroplane. The alleged ‘warning’ this is supposed to inform us is “Low flying aircraft or sudden aircraft noise”.

Now come on, this is just a waste of a sign. Car drivers already have enough signs to look at and now we’ve got one telling us that there might be planes nearby? Why do I, as a car driver, driving a car, on a road, need to be alerted of a low flying aircraft, which should be in the sky? Even a ‘low flying’ aircraft is still many, many metres above my head and I genuinely don’t need to be troubled with such information. I don’t really need to be made aware that a plane might be in the sky somewhere nearby. There might as well be a sign that says “Clouds overhead!”, “Sparrows above you at an indeterminate height!” or “Frenchmen in a hot air balloon drifting past!”. It’s irrelevant, a waste of time, a waste of money and an unnecessary distraction.

The only reason I’d ever want to see such a sign was if the plane was flying so low that it was making a short, sharp, impactive sudden stop into the ground in front of me. In this situation then yes, I suppose the sign might be more relevant, though I am less likely to pay attention to it with such an explosive, burning, firey blockage interfering with the flow of traffic on the roadway. And besides, if a plane had just buried itself into the road then who would put the sign up? Unless planes often crash into the road, in which case I would suggest that the pilot chaps either retire, go back to chocks away school or find a new place to land.

So come along British Highways Agency folk, do us all a favour and get rid of this pointless sign. Actually, thinking about it, if you melted down all the pointless “There is a plane in the sky” signs then you could probably make a whole new plane out of them. Aah, see, not only am I de-cluttering the British roadside but I am creating a whole new eco-plane! Bam! Randomlinkage scores a few enviro-points there against the evil aviation industry, scourge of the icebergs.

You know I’m right. Just make it so.

It’s that time of year where I simply regurgitate a list, make mildly unamusing comments about items on that list and then leave you to make up your own minds about it. It’s lazy webbage, I know, but lazy I am. So let’s have a look at some of the most fascinating search terms that brought people to Randomlinkage in the glorious year that was 2009.

• jackie chan pervert
• live action tentacle movies
• margaret mountford
• framed for murde-
• beautiful katamari
• freddo frog cut open
• words in deep voice
• tea vs water
• malteser bottom

To be fair, these search terms aren’t actually all that exciting, which is dissapointing. There are a few little gems in there though. You’ll notice a lot of ‘live action tentacle’ searches that lure people to Randomlinkage. As per usual, the mentals and the lunatics are drawn in by Mr Trench’s babblings, presumably to this entry here. Likewise with Jackie Chan pervert, that’s definitely one of Trenchbags; I believe that Jackie Chan Pervert is his ‘weekend identity’.

Curiously enough, Beautiful Katamari also draws in a lot of punters, even though I’ve never played it and I’m fairly certain that Mr Trench hasn’t either. A quick search of linkage shows that we only mention it once when referring to cakes. How odd.

Whoever searched for ‘freddo frog cut open’ is some sort of choco-murderer, a sick cocoa freak who delights in the torture and agony of a poor Freddo being cut open. Whoever you are, I shall hunt you down, find you and punish you… your victim’s death shall be avenged! Unless you’re a medical doctor performing open chocolate frog heart surgery which requires the cutting open of a Freddo to save his little froggy life, in which case that’s fine. Well done you.

Once again, I can imagine the disappointment of the people who ended up at linkage from their preferred search engine. Instead of some in-depth article about live action tentacle movies, the medical analysis of tea vs water or a detailed history of the life of Margaret Mountford, they end up reading our insane twaddle. I hope they’ve recovered.

And finally, to the strange individual who searched for malteser bottom… e-mail me and we’ll arrange something, ok? Marvellous.

Hi everyone and welcome to Randomlinkage’s Fascinating Fact, an irregular feature where we bring you a fascinating fact to titillate your triviabuds.

Today’s fascinating fact? The Little Chef character at the Little Chef chain of restaurants is called Charlie.

…

Join us next time when we bring you more fascinating facts. Thanks for being fascinated!

It’s time for a big drumroll… Ladies and Gentlemen and whoever else has crept in unnnoticed, please be standing for the big reveal of Project X…

Project X is a sitcom, written by myself, called “Pints”, that has miraculously found itself in the final stages of a national competition called The Sitcom Mission. I don’t know how, but dear little “Pints” has ended up in the last 16, where it will be performed on an actual theatre stage by actual actors in front of an actual audience.

Woah woah woah there Mr Penge, you’re all thinking, what’s all this? Allow me to elaborate in my usual style of using far too many words…

Read the rest of ‘Project X Revealed as… “Pints” at The Sitcom Mission’

I mentioned the mysterious, shadowy Project X a few weeks ago. I realise that this is a long time to wait, but, just like the X-Factor and countless other bobbins shows, I’m building the tension.

Badly. By not mentioning Project X at all.

I know some of you have lost sleep, some of you have gnawed off your own extremities in concern, and for this I apologise, but the wait is almost over. Tomorrow, I will be able to reveal the full extent of Project X and what it entails for the Randomlinkage Community.

All 5 of you.

Just to give you a little clue, it will fit very snugly into one of the lesser used categories on Linkage. Not Takashi Miike, I don’t even know who/what that is. Join us tomorrow to find out…

Please. Pretty please.

EDIT – Project X revealed here!

The other night, I had the pleasure of watching ‘Bug‘, which is a two hour comedy presentation of music videos, stuff off YouTube and other things that are either interesting or funny or, sometimes, both. The evening is hosted by the lovely, cuddly, beardy Adam Buxton, of Adam and Joe fame.

To be honest, I went along simply because it was Adam presenting it and I think he’s funny. I wasn’t entirely sure what the whole evening was going to be about but I was pleasantly surprised. I attended with the Evil Lord Bray and when I’d managed to calm him down and stop him from threatening other people with dreadful physical violence, it turned out to be an excellent show. However, with a description given above of ’some funny or interesting stuff’, it’s hard to justify.

Music Videos. They’re popular and exciting and some of them are downright weird. We saw a few weird ones, including a baby being scared by monsters, and some clever ones, such as a Coldplay video where old Chris Martin lies on the floor and a camera films him as he ‘walks’ around in a world of chalk drawings.

YouTube stuff. We saw South Africa’s leading rap group, two partially naked animated men racing a digger around bendy country roads and other similarly confusing yet compelling nonsense.

Other funnies. An old clip of Adam, Joe and Louis Theroux dancing around, some clever reveals of YouTube comments of some of the videos we’d seen, amusing shop names, the list goes on and on.

All in all, for the low price of the tickets, it was an excellent show and I’d recommend it to anyone. The whole evening is very informal, it’s a bit like sitting at home with your mates and watching some music and other funny stuff on the internet. Only you’re in a room with 70 other people. So really, if you ever get the chance, go forth and enjoy Bug.

I’ll leave you with a link to my personal highlight of the show. It sort of fits under the ‘YouTube stuff’ type category and shows someone making a tasty meal. Except instead of using food to make the meal, they’ve used other alternative items, such as bubble-wrap for boiling water and post-it notes for butter.

Observe the awesomeness of Pes and Western Spaghetti. If you aren’t a little bit impressed then you smell and nobody really likes you.

URL here for our Facebook readers. Or reader, maybe we only have one. I dunno.

The Film : Sherlock Holmes

The Bray Review : I had previously hated everything Guy Ritchie had done; Lock Stock, Snatch, Madonna… Finally he has made a decent film.

It won’t have escaped your attention that it’s been fairly quiet from both of us here at Linkage Towers. For this we apologise and hope that you are able to continue with your lives without too much grief, sorrow and sadness.

Mr Trench’s absence is easy to explain: he recently took delivery of 7 boxed sets of the excellent 80’s hair-fest MacGyver. His plan was to watch all 139 episodes, plus two movies, then try to recreate each one using a home video camera, a basic explosives set and a remote control helicopter. I assume he’s now onto the second phase of his plan because only yesterday I saw Mr Trench dive across the bonnet of our Rolls Royce Phantom Drophead before it exploded in a ball of flame.

My own absence is far less exciting, mostly because, at this moment in time, I can’t tell you much about it. All I can say is that I am working on something which we shall call Project X. Imaginative. Ooh, Project X, the name simply oozes mystery and intrigue. However, Project X also requires a fair amount of work and effort, hence why I haven’t posted too much recently.

I’ve been working on various facets of Project X for a while but soon there shall be a certain development and I will be able to reveal all about this most mysterious of projects. It is good though, and very worthwhile, and should provide some small amusement to you all, but for now you’ll have to wait. Expect a major update, and the reveal of Project X, on or around February 14th.

In the meantime, hang tight. Mr Trench is looking for budding actors and actresses to take part on his MacGyver shows, so if you’re interested, pop round and let him know. He’s only after attractive young ladies though, and please be aware that there may be some close physical contact required.

EDIT – Project X revealed here!

I think that I can state the two facts below with confidence that they are both true for 99.9% of people living on the planet:

1. Everybody likes The Muppets.
2. Everybody likes Queen (the band, not the Monarch)

So when The Muppets and Queen are combined, what is the result? This majestic piece of brilliance, all wrapped up with a big shiny red bow.

Do you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside? Good, good.

Before I start, I’d like to point out that the observation made within this post was made solely by The Finnhed, not myself. If you have any complaints or issues, direct them to her, I am merely impartially relaying the information.

It’s not often that the worlds of D-List celebrity and childrens television are combined, but recently The Finnhed made a very astute observation that achieved this very goal. Such was it’s brilliance, I was prepared to let it appear on Linkage, even though it involves… Big Brother. I know, I’m sorry, but go along with it.

Apparently, there is a ‘celebrity’ holed up in the Celebrity Big Brother house called Alex Reid. He goes out with Jordan and is a kickboxer or cagefighter or something like that. There, that’s the Big Brother bit out of the way.

Those of you who are of a particular age may well remember Art Attack, with Neil Buchanan. On Art Attack, for some reason, there was ‘The Head’, which was a puppet of a sculpted head. I forget what his purpose was but I remember he had a northern accent and laughed a lot.

In a flash of inspiration, the insane, slightly manic genius of The Finnhed realised that this Alex Reid of Big Brother/Jordan fame and the Art Attack Head look the same. Observe.

I have to say, I agree with The Finnhed. Partly because there is a likeness there that can’t be denied, but mostly because she’s holding me hostage and won’t feed me this weeks meal of minced rat’s liver until I concur with her.

Send help!

The alarm bells are probably already ringing in your minds. “He’s used the word ‘cucible’, this is going to be about toilets isn’t it?” Well you’re right, this is all about toilets, and what can happen upon toilets, so if you’re eating chocolate mousse or something then I suggest you stop reading now.

At work the other day, I felt the urge to make use of the lavatorial facilities, more specifically the cubicle-based ones. I attended the cucible and did what everyone on the planet does but doesn’t like to talk about. Then, near the end of my sojourn to the bog, something bad happened. Really bad.

In a gent’s loo, there are rules, certain etiquette to be followed. No eye contact, no speaking aside from a mumbled ‘alright’, no selecting the urinal next to another chap if there is a vacant one further away, that sort of thing. I fear my fumbling ineptness created a new rule and then immediately broke it.

Read the rest of ‘Unwelcome cubicle gift’

Now come on, which one of you lovely readers has sent me a parcel? Own up, don’t be shy now, I know that a parcel awaits me because I’ve been sent an e-mail telling me so. To prove that I am not one of the dirty liars, I’ll paste the text of the e-mail below…

Subject: DHL Express Services. You need to get a parcel NR.5748

Body: Dear customer!

The courier company who I works for was not able to deliver your parcel by your address or house/aparttment.
Cause: Error in shipping address.

You may pickup the parcel at our post office personaly.

Please attention!
The shipping lable is attashed to this electronic mail as an attach.
Print this lable to get this package at our post office. The parcel may be important, for your works or a valentines Gift!

Please do not reply to this e-mail, it is an unmonitored mailbox!

Thank you,
DHL Global ForwardiNG Services.

See? Proof indeed that a delightful treat awaits me at the post office. Unfortunately, the thoughtful reader who sent me the parcel got the shipping address wrong! Oh you silly billy, did you spell “Randomlinkage Towers, Britain” incorrectly? Never mind, at least the excellent DHL Global ForwardiNG Services somehow discovered my e-mail to let me know, otherwise the package may have been lost forever.

They are good though, DHL Global ForwardiNG Services. Even though they clearly struggled to locate my house/aparttment, they manage to keep up their levels of professionalism by greeting me with a jolly, practically jubilant ‘Dear customer!’. Ah, how ecstatic they are that they’ve tracked me down, they just don’t want my parcel to be returned to sender!

But what’s this? Oh no, tragedy strikes! Even though they claim to have attashed a lable to the electronic mail as an attach, I can’t find one! They’ve forgotten the attachment, leaving me with no lable to print out to take to the post office personaly. This grieves me deeply readers, knowing that my parcel, maybe for my works or perhaps even a really, really early valentines gift, could be languishing somewhere in the DHL Global ForwardiNG Services warehouse, gathering dust and gradually decaying. What if the parcel contains perishable goods, such as a cake, some Freddos, or the Willy Holloughbys?

To make the situation even more bleak is my inability to contact the DHL Global ForwardiNG Services people, because their e-mail is sent from an unmonitored mailbox. Sorry, an unmonitored mailbox! My despair deepens every minute, knowing that a thoughtful gift for me remains undelivered and lost.

If you are a member of this most fabled Global ForwardiNG Services team, I implore you to send me the correct lable as an attach so that I can print it out to get the package at your post office, your post office which up until previously I had no idea even existed.

I shall surely not sleep until I have the parcel in my hands and I am safely at my home/aparttment. I will be updating this page with any breaking parcel news, just in case insomnia strikes any of you who feel a deep concern for the safety and welfare of my seemingly unreachable parcel. I need you to be strong readers, not only for myself but for each other.

Be strong. We’ll make it.