The DS certainly is a versatile console and it really does appeal to a wider audience than other handhelds, but this does mean that there’s a greater chance of truly dreadful games being made for it.

Here’s a list of 5 DS games that I truly never ever want to play. Ever. In fact I’d probably take drastic action to avoid playing them if such a situation were forced upon me; gouging my own eyes out, violent assault upon those making me play the game, choking myself to death on the game cartridge, all would be considered. With that in mind, here’s my top 5 ‘What a pile of stinking cack’ list.

• Baby Pals. A game where you have a virtual baby. I always thought the idea of having to feed and change a doll was a bit weird but now it’s not even a proper thing any more, just a pixellated child on a screen. Stupid stupid STUPID! Don’t even get me started on the special features. Apparently the game doesn’t even wake you up every 2 hours in the night and vomit over you. What a farce. (images)
• Zenses Rainforest. What’s it about? Here’s a bit of official blurb: “Zenses Rainforest allows players to explore the rainforest while playing games infused with rain drops, exotic flowers, waterfalls and giant trees.” I recommend a change to this so it says “Zenses Rainforest allows players to explore the rainforest while playing games infused with deadly poisonous spiders, life-threatening parasites that nest inside your genitals, violent spear-chucking tribesmen and giant crocodiles with razor sharp teeth.” (images)
• Let’s Yoga. No, let’s not. (images)
• M&M’s Kart Racing. I like M&M’s. Quite a lot. I once ate a massive bag of them whilst watching a 30 minute TV show. But a game, of the M&M ‘characters’, racing? It’s not going to work is it? M&M’s are for eating. Just as I don’t want to control the Jolly Green Giant of sweetcorn fame in a game of lawn bowls, I don’t want to race karts with candy-coated chocolate. Have a look at the video for the game (which Joystiq called ‘hilariously atrocious’) and commence open mouthed amazement at the sheer crapness of it all. Approaching sound barrier indeed. (images)
• My Horse and Me. Oh dear. I think the concept should be fairly obvious to you; own a horse, look after a horse, ride the horse, shoot the horse in the head with a shotgun when it breaks a leg. Oh, no, that last part isn’t included. One of the reviews on play.com says “very good its good if you dont have your own horse because it feels real!!!!’. Quite how using a small 3-inch long plastic pen to tap at a screen on a box of electronic gadgetry recreates the experience of caring for a large 6ft high horse that’s capable of kicking of your face right off I’ll never know, but it must work, because it feels real!!!! (images!!!!)

If you own even one of these then you are an idiot and we will find you and eliminate you to stop you spreading your feeble genetic material any further down the human evolutionary tree.