Those of you lucky enough to lay your eyes upon my fine physique every day may have noticed over the last few months that it has become somewhat grander, a tad more rounded and altogether a spot more girthsome.

If you have noticed such a thing then let me assure you; you are WRONG. I attribute this bizarre phenomenon to many factors:

1. The proximity of the moon to Earth in this solar, er, phase, means that I may appear somewhat larger around the middle than normal. It’s a trick of the filthy moonlight.
2.  Mr Trench keeps following me around holding a customised magnifying tool around my waistline, which makes it look bigger than it really is.
3. Water retention, due to excess… water intake. To keep myself healthy and trim, oh yes indeed.
4. My shirts are made of double-quadruple thick materials to keep me warm in Randomlinkage towers on the nights that Mr Trench uses up all the heat from the central heating to hold his monthly “Naked Fort Boyard Re-Enactment Workshop”.

It is not, however, because I have been eating an excess of pies, biscuits, chocolate bars, creme eggs, freddos, crisps, cakes, ice-cream, crumpets, pizzas, curries, rice-crispy cakes, doughnuts, jaffa cakes, slabs of dairy milk, fry ups, lard, spam fritters or chips. Not at all. It’s simply all in your minds, you shallow, shallow people. Now leave me alone whilst I look longingly at a single custard cream.

So… custardy…