Hello everyone. You join me here in the Randomlinkage Quarantine Vault, where I have locked myself away for the last few days. No, I haven’t had yet another row about the toilet seat ’situation’ with Mr Trench. I have unfortunately been stricken with a deadly disease. It’s name?

Man Flu.

I am bearing the burden of this illness alongside millions of men around the world. Man Flu, also known as The Lurgy, a Cold or The Grots, is a serious disease but very little is known about it’s cause or it’s impact upon the Male populace. That is why Randomlinkage has set up the Man Flu Fund, a charitable organisation which looks into the causes of and potential treatment for Man Flu.

Man Flu affects men and only men, not women, so they can’t moan about how ill it makes me, I mean us, as a gender. Men afflicted with the illness may feel a bit snotty, a little tired and generally ‘poorly’. Further symptoms include headaches, coughs and a sore throat, all of which are really unpleasant and can be a bit horrible.

Man Flu can seriously impede a man’s ability to perform even the most basic of functions, such as cooking the dinner, washing up or putting out the bins. In most cases, men affected by the disease are unable to do little more than sit down and watch television or play on their games consoles. This makes those infected with this most awful virus hugely dependent on others to help them get through the day, by requesting steaming mugs of tea, homemade chocolate cake or ice-cold cans of lager.

In some rare, rare cases, it has been reported that men suffering from Man Flu have been unable to drink beer unassisted, requiring a certain level of help from their loved ones. This assistance may come in the form of the carer plumping up some pillows to make the victim sit up a bit more, tilting the can of beer towards the victims germ-riddled mouth or, in some tragic circumstances, a straw being placed into the can of beer for the victim to sup from.

Such reliance on others to help them out can really affect a man’s self-confidence and sense of worth, which may lead to them being whiney, pathetic and needy. Needless to say, these are all caused by this most frightful of diseases and any man who exhibits these traits should not be held accountable for his actions once he fights his way to perfect health.

Televisual therapy is vital to the recovery of Man Flu and as such, the victim should be allowed to watch programmes such as Top Gear and Match of the Day, or perhaps films of the nature of The Terminator or Navy Seals. Such visual stimuli has been proven to have a positive effect on the recovery rate of patients suffering from Man Flu. Particularly in terms of films, the number of explosions appears to be directly proportionate to the rate of recovery.

So please, everyone, I put it to you, spare a thought for those who are suffering from man flu, and donate what you can to The Man Flu Fund. Every penny will go toward providing better treatment for victims of this illness. Progress goes well and already our scientists have used your cash to design the ‘Man Flu Chair’. This miracle of medical science allows men stricken with the disease to sit in a comfortable, warm chair with a built in blanket, and the extra pockets placed strategically around the chair mean that remotes, game console controllers, newspapers or alcoholic beverages are always within arms reach.

The Man Flu Chair is a start, but we need more of your money to fight Man Flu. Look into your heart, look deep within yourself and donate all of your savings, or whatever else you have that’s worth a lot, like a car maybe, or a yacht, or even a Portugese villa, to The Man Flu Fund. You may never see their sweaty, puffy-eyed, disease-riddled faces, but the knowledge that your donation will bring joy to Man Flu sufferers the world over will be a sensation that money itself simply cannot buy.

Do the right thing. Send us your cash. All of it. It WILL make a difference.

Thank you. Good night and take care out there on the roads.