But the best piece of knowledge imparted to me in my quest to understand the computers, which was actually said to me in a genuine working capacity by a knowledgable person, is as follows…

No jam is not the same as no bananas.

With information like this, I hope to conquer the internet and become it’s cruel master.

“It’s like a thing… on a blue background.” Mega.

Who will then look at you in some disgust, disgust which will only deepen when you pretend nothing has happened.

Randomlinkage: Doing stupid embarassing things since the 1980’s so you don’t have to.

If you love Transformers or if you couldn’t give a toss about them, I insist you watch the review. It’s funny. You’ll laugh. The world will be a better place.

Commence watchage.

Thing is, a month or so back, something was on the news that caused me to chuckle. And after the chuckle, I guffawed and shook my head in wry amusement. It was about golf, and an alleged ‘injury’ to one of the golfers.

During golf’s Open Championship, Lee Westwood ‘bravely’ soldiered on despite having… a swollen ankle. That’s right, a swollen ankle. Somehow, Mr Westwood has managed to take what appears to be a mild medical complaint and elevate it to some sort of critical illness, not to mention that it actually made the news.

Come on, it’s golf, what harm can a swollen ankle do? Really, how much difference is it going to make? In golf you get golf buggies everywhere, so you don’t need to walk on your disastrously swollen ankle, and when you do need to ‘play’ the golf, you effectively hold a club and stand very still, in one place.

This single piece of news in itself didn’t make me laugh, but the very same news report then reported that motorbiking MotoGP legend Valentino Rossi was taking to the track a mere six weeks after breaking his leg. His leg was broken after a crash at 110mph that saw poor Valentino flung two metres into the air and then land back down on his leg in a horribly breaky sort of way. But six weeks after this horror fall, which actually FRACTURED THE BONE IN HIS LEG, he’s back on a motorbike, flying around tracks on two wheels at 150mph or however fast they go.

This comparison between two stars of two different sports was the cause of my mirth. Let’s take stock and see who comes off best there, shall we? The golfer, who is battling the slight discomfort of a swollen ankle in a sport in which he will predominantly be standing still, versus the biker, who actually fractured a bone in his leg six weeks before but is out there on track, suffering immense G-forces against his broken let but who’s just getting on with it and being very quick?

1-0 to motorsport. Sorry golfers, but if this is anything to go by, you’re all a big bunch of jessies.

If you do play golf, take care when reading this post, as it does have sharp edges, and I’d hate you to scratch yourself on one and be forced to endure the agony of playing with a light graze upon your person.

The shiny gem is a short web-based show called Beast Hunters. It’s made by the BBC and follows a group of distinctive individuals as they hunt beasts. Obviously. Thing is, it’s not some tinpot little production with bad lighting and monsters made from items found in the bargain bin at Wilkinsons, it’s a proper well directed and produced little show, featuring actors such as Jaime Winstone, James Corden and Robert Llewellyn. People I’ve heard of! Plus it’s funny, which is a bonus.

At the moment I think there are only two episodes available, but more are due to be released. The first episode, called Archituthius Slimbus, features a really big gun and a snogging old lady, and the second episode, entitled Infected, will treat you to muzak and big hairy feet. Hopefully it’ll be well received by the online community and the BBC will commission a full length show.

The links to both episodes are above, but if they aren’t good enough for you, or in case they’ve made more than two since I wrote this post, click here to visit the generic Channel Flip page that is showing Beast Hunters.

Oh, and if you don’t like it, you smell. Of shoes. And cheese. Choes.

So would some of these modern games be as much fun if they were in 8bit or 16bit? (for our un-techy readers, that means blocky and old-looking, like from the 1990’s)

Well let’s take a look! Thanks to some of those jolly splendid chaps at GeekOSystem, we now have an answer to the question I asked above. So sit back and enjoy the delights of Ye Olde versions of BioShock, Arkham Asylum, Guitar Hero, Little Big Planet, Need for Speed Shift, StarCraft and more!

Metal Gear Solid 4 looks particularly retro. Makes me long for the olden days of gaming, when a squiggly block of underfined pixels was an enemy. Or a gun. Or something to collect. Or a spaceship. Oh, the uncertainty, how I miss it so.

However, a crucial piece of information has come to light, a vital clue as to The Bearded Wonder’s whereabouts. Using this information, I believe that Mr Trench is hiding in the land of sun and sand and smog… California. I also believe that he is wearing a disguise, going about the place in plain sight to remain undetected.

The evidence can be found on IMDB. In the film ‘The Expendables’, which looks like it features a lot of very tough burly men strutting around and blowing stuff up, a character makes a brief appearance. The actor who plays this character? It’s none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger. What of this? I hear some of you mutter in annoyance as I fail to get to the point quick enough. This is where I think Mr Trench has made a grave error in his quest to hide himself away and escape the world. Arnie’s character is called… Trench. Observe.

Trench! He’s ok! It’s only a theory at the moment but I’m assuming that our beloved Mr Trench has acquired the technology to replicate the physical form of another human being, decided that being Arnold would be a splendid candidate, kidnapped the real Cali Guvnor, locked him up in a secure prison somewhere and then assumed his identity with the newly stolen replication tech.

Right now our very own Trench could be sitting in his Los Angeles office, doing Govenor type work, such as signing bills and mandates and the like. Or he’s marching around in a leather jacket and shades shouting ”Uzi nine millimetre!” and worrying the staff.

Now we’re onto him, now that we have a lead, we can get to him and bring him home. He’s obviously confused and in some state of mental distress. He needs to be surrounded by the walls of his spiritual home here at the Towers, with his belongings and his staff. Surely the pleasant sensation of bellowing obscenities at the minions will make him right again.

Keep your eyes on Linkage, for there may be news regarding the return of our Trench. I have no doubts that… he’ll be back.

Appaling. I know.

Price of a Freddo now that US firm Kraft preside over Cadbury: 17p.

Now look here Kraft. 17p is unacceptable. I’ll break that down for you. UN. ACCEPT. ABLE.

We, the people, demand that this is reduced to 15p immediately, if not sooner. Reducing the price to 16p will keep us from your American doors for a short while only. 15p is the Golden Price we seek. I swear I unwrapped a 17p Freddo yesterday and he was shedding a tiny chocolate tear at his new extortionate price. Freddo tears will NOT BE TOLERATED.

Failure to comply will result in dire circumstances. Dire circumstances indeed. I don’t want to say World War 3, but you just made me do it. Wars have been started for less, Kraft. A lot less.

15p. Do it, or know the wrath of the British Freddo lovers.

15p.